Birthday Girl

1/06/2014

Tonight marks day two that I have not cried since my birthday. Maybe any other time I wouldn’t be impressed with that. But today I am.

See usually I cry on my birthday, it is the day I was born. The day I remember that I am one year older with not much more accomplished. And then that goes away in the night, and I wake up glad to be alive. Glad to feel like maybe I am too hard on myself, but I have gotten through another year and I am better for it.

This year on my birthday I felt fulfilled. I felt like everything I had ever asked for was finally granted to me.

The next day that got taken away.

We went out, he had a special night planned for me. We went to a Christmas party and then to an art class he had planned for me. And then we went to the bar. I wish we never had.

He left me there that night. In a town I didn’t know, all alone. With no money, no way home. Not even knowing where home was.
When I finally convinced a cab driver to take me home even though I didn’t have any money, I got there thanks to my iphone and he wasn’t there. He never came home that night. Or the next day, or the next night.
When I finally saw him it was after I went to church with his family.

We talked about the commitments of a relationship, he told me he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. And then he did what would hurt me more than anything could have.

I asked him “so does that mean we are done”
He thought about it, and said “I think so”

I could have handled things better. I know that now. But by the end of the night he was asking that I fly home the next day.

So I did. And he hugged me and he said “keep in touch”
I knew then that he wouldn’t.

And that is what love does. It’s not beautiful or poetic when it ends. And love does end. Maybe not in our hearts, but tangibly.

I know this love in my heart will stay with me for a long time. But it is something I can no longer see, no longer feel or know.

When they say it is better to have loved and lost- what they don’t tell us is what it feels like to lose love. Losing love is never better than having it, but maybe it is what comes next that makes it worthwhile.

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