Letter # 14 That I Will Never Send


So my therapist appointment went well except for the fact i ran out of my sleep meds and didnt go to sleep at all the night before it.
I miss you. and talking to my therapist i started realizing that i cant keep overthinking why you did this or what kind of person you are, or if you are hurting right now.

because all of those things, they do matter so much. but at the end of the day do they matter?

you are gone, you did this, and no matter what the reason or how you are feeling now it doesnt change what happened. and life can go on, and life will go on. if you are thinking of me every step of the way, or if you are not. the world will keep spinning, and we will both keep dreaming and we will both find adventure in our futures and eventually i will find comfort in the silence of my world.

when i get home from work, my world is silent and still but it never is.
my head keeps moving and keeps thinking of all of the could haves and what ifs.
and if i keep doing that to myself instead of starting to live, I will never be the person I want to be.
maybe you will know me when i am better. but what is better?
i cant be perfect and as much as i subconsciously strive to be, i dont even want that anymore.
perfection is boring and still.

i cannot keep still, i cannot attain perfection but i can live.

i can have as much fun as my life allows and i know now that fun isnt happiness. they are not equivalent.
my life is going to be something that i am proud of, and i am going to be thankful for making decisions that were hard. i am going to be able to see that i have made mistakes and i will continue to make mistakes but that i did the right thing.
for so long, i didnt do the right thing. i didnt even know what the right thing was, and i still dont. but i am learning, and I can feel myself starting to develop. i can feel when something is right and something is wrong. i can look back on our time together and say that there is so much of it that felt right, but there was so much of it that was just wrong.

so maybe you hate me and maybe you dont. maybe you are hurting and maybe you are not. maybe you are getting better and maybe you are relapsing. maybe you are alone and in solitude and maybe you are drowning out the voices of all of the things that you have done with the images of other girls. but either way, you are there. and i am here, and in these worlds we no longer exist to each other.

we exist in memories that i cannot turn away when they fill my mind. you exist in dreams that come to me in deep sleep when I have laid awake thinking of you. you exist in the blanket that i wrap myself in, when i breathe in deep and no i will never know your smell again. you exist in the ring i wear in my left finger, with three stones missing. but i wear it because in it you exist. and that makes you exist in my world. where you could never be, where you will never be again,

i have to know that even if we know each other when we are better, our lives will be different. i told you that i would love you forever and i meant it. but i know there is a difference now between loving someone and being able to be with that person. if i get married years from now, that will not mean that i didnt love you.

it will mean that you showed me what love was, and that i can appreciate and remember that love. and that i can still feel it for you, but i can accept that love cannot change worlds. love does conquer all. when i sat on your deck and i told you i didnt even know what love was anymore, i told you that because my version of love felt all wrong.

my version of love, it knows no bounds, it sees no flaws, it forgives and it cherishes and most of all, my version of love it conquers all.

what i didnt know when i said that, i didnt know if my love was true because i thought if you loved me we could conquer ourselves together.

but just because our love did not conquer our flaws, it did improve us. i will love you, and that love will help me to conquer the fears and deep seeded hatred that i have for myself. my love for you was so strong, that it brought me to a very dark place when i lost it. but it took that, to help me learn to love myself. and i will learn to do that, because i believe in love. i believe in love with no limits, and I will show myself that.

i know that whatever way you handled this, it doesnt matter much now.
i cant keep doing this to me, and doing this to you.
overthinking these things has ruined some of my memories of you, and i will not let it.

whatever the reasons, whatever the intentions, it is what it is, and it is what it always will be.

and i love you, and i know that love was enough. it just wasn’t working in the ways i wanted it to at the time.

and it is not something i can manipulate. life, and happiness cannot be manipulated into happening.
they must come to us in fleeting moments we will not know as significant and hover there.
they will come to us in warmth, and sunshine on a winter day.
they will come in learning something that we never thought we could know.
they will come in a unexpected friendship in a foreign place.

life is happening, it is all around us. and so is happiness. so whatever happened in our pasts, whatever happened today should not bound our arms to our sides when we should be reaching for opportunities to know love, to know happiness.

i have been so still and stagnant. i have lived in the memories replaying in my mind. i have been robotic and unfeeling.

but life is moving as i am standing still, and it will happen no matter what i choose to do about it.

and i choose to do something about it.
today i choose to live.


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