Euphoric Recall

Posting this poem quite frankly makes me feel completely uncomfortable. It feels like standing naked in front of a crowd. And I guess that’s because I am standing naked in front of a crowd. This post is about sex, but if you actually read it, if you actually can relate and feel the words hit home for you, you will know it is about much more. It’s about looking back, and yearning to feel like someone accepts you when you are standing in front of them completely naked. Literally and figuratively. It’s about reminiscing on a time where you were completely vulnerable, and someone made that vulnerability disappear in their presence. It’s about being able to use that feeling as a resource, about closing your eyes and bringing yourself to a time where you felt alive, and confident – even when it seems as if you will never know how love feels again. Here I am naked in front of you. I hope you like the view.

In that white room, it was the last time
My breath against your neck, started shallow
Then became so heavy
Just as I had become heavy in your arms,
and limp to your ego
It was the last time I was held or touched,
It was the last time I felt
Like I could never be more alive
The lace on the pillows hit the floor,
You pulled my body in towards you
with one swift motion of your large hands.
And the skin on them was so soft
just as the skin on your cheek when you lifted me up to you
after the longest day of work,
hours on end that grew each more excruciating than the last,
knowing that you were so close but I couldn’t reach you
that smooth skin glided across mine and I wish I had known
that it was the last time,
that hours would turn to days
and when someone asked me if I was okay
I wish I wouldn’t have lied
because I thought it was for the best
Your nose made a bed,
in the strands of hair behind my ear,
and we moved with each other,
our hearts beat in sync
I wish I could have known then, that it was the last time
that maybe somehow I could have held on longer,
that somehow I could have remembered how it was to be had by you,
when you had all of me,
and your breath in my ear
the whispers formed a sound
that I pray to God no one else will ever hear
Because for me it was the last time,
I was in love
and I wish I could have paused it then
Now the time has slipped by;
to weeks, to months and soon to years
And I don’t remember how love feels.
So still I close my eyes,
go back to that white room
Where your skin is hot on mine
and your hands pull me up so you can see my face,
I wish so badly, that I knew then
that I would never again know that place.

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