Slight Oblivion

In a very ordinary moment today I saw something that I see everyday. And then I saw how it functioned, saw all of the engineering behind something I would consider simple, something I would take for granted.

It hit me that I am perpetually observing things at face value. I see this world and all of the things that go into it for exactly how it is at any given time, without much focus on the way it works or how it came to be.

I’m still deciding if this is a particularly unique trait, or even something to be proud of. Or if I am in a constant state of oblivion.

It’s situational really. I guess I can’t say that I view everything at face value, that would imply that I have no questions, that I do not wonder.
And it is very much the contrary.

Take politics for example. I am 22 years old and not registered to vote. You might call it laziness or taking no societal responsibility. Maybe your opinion is that I have a right to vote and I should take advantage of it. But I also have a right not to vote. How does this have anything to do with wondering and a state of oblivion?

I view government as something that is there. I observe it, occasionally. I form opinions, sometimes. But because I have only ever witnessed it, and never truly been involved, there are too many questions for me to feel as though my vote would be educated. My opinions, would be in vain.

I do enjoy history, learning about the world that we live in and how it came to be. Even that, however, is simply because I have a desire to better understand what it is that I am observing.

In life, when I am happy I do not associate that feeling with a reason or wonder what it is that brought me to it. I just know that I am happy. I just know it, and I know that I would like to continue to feel that way.

The issue with merely observing this emotion is that when I do not recognize how it works or how it came to be, I have a real problem recreating it. Happy memories for me are not filled with things in my life that led up to a feeling of happiness. Rather they are just insignificant images of passing moments that felt good.

Unfortunately when I have reached a low point and become depressed and lethargic, what I feel is all I know. I am not able to know “why” I feel it. I am not able to know any other emotion than what I am feeling at that moment. I do not look at what has made me feel that way. I just feel it. This can lead to repetitive mistakes and a lack of knowledge as to how I could ever feel happy again. Disassociation at its finest.

So this mindset can create such issues. It can also cause me to be less appreciative of the things in life that may be very complex. Instead of acknowledging all of the inner workings, I acknowledge the whole. In my defense, I see the good in simple things. I find peace in knowing only what I wish, and knowing that no matter what I do or do not know, everything will be okay.

4-22-14

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