Some of us don’t believe in fighting. But I would have never made it this far if I hadn’t fought for something. In times when I couldn’t fight for myself, I fought for my will to live. My will to find out what exactly in this big, and cold world I was here for. And in the times when it seemed like that was a lost cause, I still fought for each breath. Because I was fighting for something I loved.
Or maybe it was someone, it is always someone. Constantly battling my heart with my head, and my head with my heart. There is always a fight, a war waging in my mind. Whether it is for good, or for bad. I have never been at peace. But I have fought for it. During the period I had lost everything, and gotten myself to a new low. I remember the peace I felt, for a brief period. But looking back there was never a peace, because each and every day I fought myself. I fought against the terrible thoughts I had come to believe about myself. I fought for peace within my soul, because I knew that if I stopped fighting myself that I would lose. If I just decided, that I could go on, complacent, then I would never be. There is a hard thing about this life, the only thing I wish I could undo. There is a fact about living on this earth that makes my existence, even in the most beautiful times, quite troubling. And that fact is, that with every peaceful moment there is a storm raging beneath it. With every positive action, or thought, there were hundreds of negative emotions and beliefs that I had to quiet. I struggle with the fact, that I may never just “be.”
I may never just be the person who doesn’t have to fight. I may always have to fight to stay alive, to stay relevant. Because if I were to ever stop fighting for my own life, I may one day just lose it. So as much as I love freedom, as much as my spirit wanders and searches constantly for an adventure, beneath all of that there is a reason. If i ever stop fighting, there is something inside my mind that will inevitably win. There is something inside my brain that tells me I am of no purpose and no good will be brought to this world because of me. So I have to battle that, every day. And if there was one thing I could undo, it would be that. I would love to feel the world through hands that had not been tortured with words of desperation, I would love to take a breath and only feel air, and not the weight of the world in my heart. I wish over and over that I could be free of this fight. That I could somehow, give in to what I am. I wish that I could stop battling myself, that I could live without sadness and despair. My soul has seen too many things, to let go of all of them. But I wish it was pure, and I wish I could live and love as though I had never known heartbreak. I wish that I could let down my arms, release my fists, and stop protecting myself. That maybe, in this lifetime, I would know what it feels like, not to have to fight.