Lost and Found

All my limbs can become trees:

It’s like being lost and becoming found,

all in one brief moment of stillness.

Having the world at your weathered fingertips

but clenching your fist instead

in the hopes of holding onto a feeling.

It’s when I breathe deep, and you

You are at the end of my breath.

Returning it to me, filling me up.

Extracting any air of emptiness

Consuming a void I didn’t know I’d had

Taking a trip to a place that only exists in an alternate universe,

where I am floating through time with no relativity

And you return to me, your breath.

Inflating my lungs

It’s a century, if just for a second

A world of questions answered in a mystery unsolved.

It’s a kiss

Strong enough to lose yourself in,

safe enough still

to have become found.

Being Okay

make a wish

I knew it would get better. I knew it had to get better, and the funny part about it this time is that I recognized it when it did. Not slowly, not in the midst of it all, but all at once.

All at once it was okay, and all at once it was great. And there were nights in between that weren’t and there were days in the middle that were not. But then all at once, it was there. That feeling that is not really a feeling at all, that feeling of pure “okay-ness” that is so okay it goes unnoticed. That simply because it is just so unmoving it gets no attention. But it should, we should pay more attention to being okay.

We should pay more attention to not fighting a breaking heart, to being tired at the end of a day because we worked so eagerly at something we loved, we should acknowledge the presence of a conversation that may not be intriguing, but it is good and kind and easy. We should, I should, not always give so much weight to the times that are un-okay and start thanking our lucky stars for the okay moments. The moments that do not need to be spectacular, that you do not want to be spell-binding, they may be more important than the big ones.

There is something special about something being so easy that it is not thought about. Looking back, these may be the exact moments that brought us long term happiness. Not something that is so outstanding it seems to make you euphoric for a short amount of time, but the little things that group together in your life to become a world that is good. A world of good feelings, a world of waking up in the morning with hope for the new day.

We should acknowledge being a bit frustrated with the way things are, because in that is the motivation to change it. It is not unhappiness, it is drive to make things better. It is strength to recognize that we are not at the end of our rope, that our okay-ness, our being, is possible.

But all of the sudden, when we are okay, it may not feel like much but it is a lot. It is a great thing to be okay. It is a great thing to be at peace with the way things are, and the way they will go, and the way you feel. And all at once, when you are least expecting it, it happens.

All at once, it happens.

Head Versus Heart

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Sometimes I wonder,
if your head can hear my heart
and if what separates us is nothing
but these miles and miles apart

If your logic could meet my emotion,
somewhere around that halfway mark
What would become of these intoxicating motions
If your fear and my ambition were not divided by oceans

Of nothing tangible for you to see,
But the oceans of differences
within you and me

For as much as we are just one and the same,
We are characters of our own being,
a part of our own game

So if stagnant turned to something,
more than just exists,
And if you took me back to that first unavoidable kiss

Would we move through the world,
like limbs through water
Or would that fire consume us,
and only get hotter

You are right and I am left,
Here tonight with an empty chest
In bed with my head and a mind full of dreams,
That your heart can hear my head
when nothing is as it seems

And you’re right but I am left,
Without a soul to blame
But my head and my heart,
Endlessly circling towards,
being one and the same.

Are We Finding Or Creating Ourselves?

Let me start by saying I owe this question to my best friend, Cara. We are two, wildly independent young women, we do everything together, we have goals, ambitions, and we love men. But we don’t like them to get in our way.

While Cara and I are uniquely similar, more similar than anyone in the world I have met, we are not best friends because of our similarities. We are best friends thanks to our differences. I never quite knew what made us different, we were always on the same wavelength but at times, not in sync. Maybe she discovered something later than I did, maybe I discovered something in a different way than she did. But we still understood. So until the other night I really never understood what it was that made us so impeccably unalike.

Then there it was, in here room, staring at me. Bold letters in white writing on a black background. “Life is not about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself.”

I knew then, the exact reason why we are different. In each move I make, in every mistake, in every accomplishment, I believe at the core of me that this happened in order for me to learn. It happened because I needed it to, because I needed to know more about myself, I needed to find myself in a different situation, in a different atmosphere. I needed to know what I would be like, anywhere, and I needed to know what place and mindset was best suited for me. I accept things because I deem them as necessary.

Creating yourself not he other hand is very different, I can’t speak for her, but when I think of creating myself I think of making things happen. In each move she makes, there is a motive, in every mistake, she feels as though it comes straight back to something that she did, along with every accomplishment. So there is guilt, but there is also pride. Maybe her belief, at her core, is not that “this happened because she needed it to” but “I owe all of this to myself and what I have created.” On the one hand, its amazing. I’m envious. I wish I took credit for all of my accomplishments, I wish I could tell myself “good job.” On the downside, what about the mistakes? What about, blaming yourself for something out of your control? On the other hand, is that more self-awareness? Is she more conscious of the things she has done incorrectly, whereas I may be pawning them off as something out of my control?

I was thinking about it a lot tonight, and I don’t quite think it matters. Maybe it takes finding yourself, in order to create the self that you should be in the end. And maybe it takes creating the wrong self a few times, before you find your “true” self. I think there are a lot of things about this belief, that make us intrinsically different. However, I also believe that the true and admirable friendship we share is born on the fact that no matter what she believes, or I believe, each of us can see things with an open-mind. After all, it could be one way or it could be the other. But I think that whether you find, or create yourself, where you truly find who you are is in the compromise you make for the people you love. The empathy you have for those around you, no matter how they differ. We may not always see eye to eye, we may not always see the same picture, but we are still willing to understand the other ones perspective.

What a wonderful world it would be if more of us could do that. So what do you think, are we searching through the world looking for who we may be? Or are we making ourselves and our beliefs as we go? You tell me.

xoxo,

Shel.

One Big FML

My week, past two weeks really have just been one awkward fuck my life moment after the next.

But it kind of made me even happier because the more I thought about it the funnier it was.

Like how I’m poor so I drove to Salisbury to sell some old clothes and ended up just spending more money in gas.

Or how this Indian guy hacked my computer and I was like, why me? So i actually typed “why are you hacking me?” on my computer… and the hacker responded. Then there was that awkward moment where I encountered the last person I ever wanted to encounter while I was having a terrible day at work. And then I thought I was getting robbed for all I have, but it was actually just my drunk friends trying to kidnap me. Then, there was finding out I have a court date to testify against some perv-y creep and it just so happens its the second week after starting my new job. Not to mention I am officially becoming a low life and moving back in with my parents. Oh yeah and I realized that there is just no one who is going to be him.

But all of these unexpected things, they threw me off, they came out of nowhere, and some of them just downright pissed me off. To be honest though, I enjoyed it. It was nice to feel something again. It was nice to actually be overwhelmed and be like, you know what? It is fucking okay that I am a little overwhelmed.

I think the reason I get so stressed out is because I don’t let myself just get pissed off, and then get over it. I’m constantly like “okay you have got to be the bigger person, nothing phases you, there’s no reason for this to bother you.” Well… my life is nuts. It’s chaotic. And it always has been. I can be as “Namaste” as I like, but at the end of the day, this is it. This always has been it, and it’s never going to be easy and be butterflies and flowers because I would really fucking hate that.

I’d rather be busy than bored. I would rather be thriving and struggling and figuring it out and getting myself out of situations that are uncomfortable, and just rolling with the punches and working with what I’ve got than have it all figured it out.

Why would I ever want to figure it all out? Why would I ever want to feel comfortable?

Where the hell is the fun in that?

xoxo, Shel.

Dream On

Lying on the floor,
because your white sheets are too risky
A blurred vision of that smile,
strikes me like lightning
at sunset, sitting on the sand
where the sky turned pink and I fled to you
because no place else was ever an option
Spiraling around the room,
we voiced our recent adventures.
Taking for granted all the expenditures
that neither of us knew we were allowing
Months later and my heart has spent too much time on you
I haven’t told it not to,
in the hopes that the similarities I saw
when you caught me staring
had not in fact been pieced together by my imagination,
but that I truly know you better than you think I do.
Throbbing senses spark a jolt through my chest
when those eyes flash to the back of my mind
like an alarm for something I had forgotten,
I wish I had forgotten.
Yet my throat still tightens when you are next to me
So close and somehow a million light years away
Now that we don’t know each other, who are you
Now that I have strategically won
this game that includes you as a pawn
Where I have succeeded in tricking you into pushing me away
Is “I did it because I had to” ever good enough?
You frequent my dreams,
maybe because not only did I watch you walk away
I catapulted you off to another world,
a world where I don’t exist.
There you are, and here I am.
Fortunate enough that neither of our worlds are likely to collide
Unfortunate enough to be incapable
of letting the hope go that we’d coexist
My moves have been made,
and everyday I wish I could take them back.

2010

Fighting For Your Life

Some of us don’t believe in fighting. But I would have never made it this far if I hadn’t fought for something. In times when I couldn’t fight for myself, I fought for my will to live. My will to find out what exactly in this big, and cold world I was here for. And in the times when it seemed like that was a lost cause, I still fought for each breath. Because I was fighting for something I loved.
Or maybe it was someone, it is always someone. Constantly battling my heart with my head, and my head with my heart. There is always a fight, a war waging in my mind. Whether it is for good, or for bad. I have never been at peace. But I have fought for it. During the period I had lost everything, and gotten myself to a new low. I remember the peace I felt, for a brief period. But looking back there was never a peace, because each and every day I fought myself. I fought against the terrible thoughts I had come to believe about myself. I fought for peace within my soul, because I knew that if I stopped fighting myself that I would lose. If I just decided, that I could go on, complacent, then I would never be. There is a hard thing about this life, the only thing I wish I could undo. There is a fact about living on this earth that makes my existence, even in the most beautiful times, quite troubling. And that fact is, that with every peaceful moment there is a storm raging beneath it. With every positive action, or thought, there were hundreds of negative emotions and beliefs that I had to quiet. I struggle with the fact, that I may never just “be.”

I may never just be the person who doesn’t have to fight. I may always have to fight to stay alive, to stay relevant. Because if I were to ever stop fighting for my own life, I may one day just lose it. So as much as I love freedom, as much as my spirit wanders and searches constantly for an adventure, beneath all of that there is a reason. If i ever stop fighting, there is something inside my mind that will inevitably win. There is something inside my brain that tells me I am of no purpose and no good will be brought to this world because of me. So I have to battle that, every day. And if there was one thing I could undo, it would be that. I would love to feel the world through hands that had not been tortured with words of desperation, I would love to take a breath and only feel air, and not the weight of the world in my heart. I wish over and over that I could be free of this fight. That I could somehow, give in to what I am. I wish that I could stop battling myself, that I could live without sadness and despair. My soul has seen too many things, to let go of all of them. But I wish it was pure, and I wish I could live and love as though I had never known heartbreak. I wish that I could let down my arms, release my fists, and stop protecting myself. That maybe, in this lifetime, I would know what it feels like, not to have to fight.