Turbulence

The heart says :"am hurting",time replies:" you will get better with me", then finally the mind:" but I will always come back with memories" Ω Cliquez pour écouter. Enjoy yourself !..................................................✤.Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball✤:

 

I miss it, the turbulence.

Sick as that is, gnawing at my edges, trembling the tips of my fingers.

The never knowing-ever-wondering bliss, of imperfections in a disorganized world.

Freedom.

Toxicity brimmed choices, bags around my eyes,

spotted skin with signs of making decisions that I made on my own, for myself.

Cheekbones protruding, arms like twine, tightly wrapped, consoling.

No thought, no judgement, no expectations.

I miss it,

the volatile yet ever evolving relationship I had with just one person in the entire universe.

Myself.

Would I reverse, stand in the shoes of someone who lived in the past?

I already have, a thousand times, been cycling and rising through lives.

Sometimes,

I miss it, the turbulence.

I pray for it, the change.

All while dreading any uncertainty, fearing the worst but expecting it subliminally.

Why do we become weary as we grow old?

Not because things become impossible,

because we realize they are right within our grasp,

but we have chosen not to clench them in our grip.

Taken a different path, that will forever lead us to the same place,

forever advancing in the same direction.

Moving constantly but getting nowhere at all.

Forever and ever the same.

Flight risk, I told you.

And the murmur of turbulence calls my name,

asks me if I will sit right here,

or turn and run

And never look back.

Are We Finding Or Creating Ourselves?

Let me start by saying I owe this question to my best friend, Cara. We are two, wildly independent young women, we do everything together, we have goals, ambitions, and we love men. But we don’t like them to get in our way.

While Cara and I are uniquely similar, more similar than anyone in the world I have met, we are not best friends because of our similarities. We are best friends thanks to our differences. I never quite knew what made us different, we were always on the same wavelength but at times, not in sync. Maybe she discovered something later than I did, maybe I discovered something in a different way than she did. But we still understood. So until the other night I really never understood what it was that made us so impeccably unalike.

Then there it was, in here room, staring at me. Bold letters in white writing on a black background. “Life is not about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself.”

I knew then, the exact reason why we are different. In each move I make, in every mistake, in every accomplishment, I believe at the core of me that this happened in order for me to learn. It happened because I needed it to, because I needed to know more about myself, I needed to find myself in a different situation, in a different atmosphere. I needed to know what I would be like, anywhere, and I needed to know what place and mindset was best suited for me. I accept things because I deem them as necessary.

Creating yourself not he other hand is very different, I can’t speak for her, but when I think of creating myself I think of making things happen. In each move she makes, there is a motive, in every mistake, she feels as though it comes straight back to something that she did, along with every accomplishment. So there is guilt, but there is also pride. Maybe her belief, at her core, is not that “this happened because she needed it to” but “I owe all of this to myself and what I have created.” On the one hand, its amazing. I’m envious. I wish I took credit for all of my accomplishments, I wish I could tell myself “good job.” On the downside, what about the mistakes? What about, blaming yourself for something out of your control? On the other hand, is that more self-awareness? Is she more conscious of the things she has done incorrectly, whereas I may be pawning them off as something out of my control?

I was thinking about it a lot tonight, and I don’t quite think it matters. Maybe it takes finding yourself, in order to create the self that you should be in the end. And maybe it takes creating the wrong self a few times, before you find your “true” self. I think there are a lot of things about this belief, that make us intrinsically different. However, I also believe that the true and admirable friendship we share is born on the fact that no matter what she believes, or I believe, each of us can see things with an open-mind. After all, it could be one way or it could be the other. But I think that whether you find, or create yourself, where you truly find who you are is in the compromise you make for the people you love. The empathy you have for those around you, no matter how they differ. We may not always see eye to eye, we may not always see the same picture, but we are still willing to understand the other ones perspective.

What a wonderful world it would be if more of us could do that. So what do you think, are we searching through the world looking for who we may be? Or are we making ourselves and our beliefs as we go? You tell me.

xoxo,

Shel.

Fighting For Your Life

Some of us don’t believe in fighting. But I would have never made it this far if I hadn’t fought for something. In times when I couldn’t fight for myself, I fought for my will to live. My will to find out what exactly in this big, and cold world I was here for. And in the times when it seemed like that was a lost cause, I still fought for each breath. Because I was fighting for something I loved.
Or maybe it was someone, it is always someone. Constantly battling my heart with my head, and my head with my heart. There is always a fight, a war waging in my mind. Whether it is for good, or for bad. I have never been at peace. But I have fought for it. During the period I had lost everything, and gotten myself to a new low. I remember the peace I felt, for a brief period. But looking back there was never a peace, because each and every day I fought myself. I fought against the terrible thoughts I had come to believe about myself. I fought for peace within my soul, because I knew that if I stopped fighting myself that I would lose. If I just decided, that I could go on, complacent, then I would never be. There is a hard thing about this life, the only thing I wish I could undo. There is a fact about living on this earth that makes my existence, even in the most beautiful times, quite troubling. And that fact is, that with every peaceful moment there is a storm raging beneath it. With every positive action, or thought, there were hundreds of negative emotions and beliefs that I had to quiet. I struggle with the fact, that I may never just “be.”

I may never just be the person who doesn’t have to fight. I may always have to fight to stay alive, to stay relevant. Because if I were to ever stop fighting for my own life, I may one day just lose it. So as much as I love freedom, as much as my spirit wanders and searches constantly for an adventure, beneath all of that there is a reason. If i ever stop fighting, there is something inside my mind that will inevitably win. There is something inside my brain that tells me I am of no purpose and no good will be brought to this world because of me. So I have to battle that, every day. And if there was one thing I could undo, it would be that. I would love to feel the world through hands that had not been tortured with words of desperation, I would love to take a breath and only feel air, and not the weight of the world in my heart. I wish over and over that I could be free of this fight. That I could somehow, give in to what I am. I wish that I could stop battling myself, that I could live without sadness and despair. My soul has seen too many things, to let go of all of them. But I wish it was pure, and I wish I could live and love as though I had never known heartbreak. I wish that I could let down my arms, release my fists, and stop protecting myself. That maybe, in this lifetime, I would know what it feels like, not to have to fight.

Blessed Are The Curious

February 7th 2014 I wrote this… Funny how a few months can feel like light years away.

Nothing is pulling on my heart strings at the moment
The up and downs that had become my adaptation of balanced,
Have been replaced with a nauseating lull.
Something that I can’t control,
Something I cannot start and stop however much I may want to
It’s true that things find you when you have stopped seeking them.
That absence makes you weary of something you may not have wanted,
When you had it.
Finding the adventure in a lull is an art form.
It is true talent, and pure genius to see past a moment that is currently unmoving
All while recognizing that even whilst still,
It is these moments that matter.
Knowing how to find the freedom in a situation that was not created on your own terms,
Is acknowledging true inner peace.
When you can lay still and wonder where the day will take you,
Without wanting to take the day –
That is a gift.
Are we ever experiencing life on life’s terms when we are battling for the reigns?
There are no clear boundaries that define how often we should
Throw our hands in the air
and how often we should let things slip
Between the curves of our fingers.
To live fully in stillness,
To find something breathtaking in the uninspiring,
That is the biggest challenge in the world.

Rising From The Ashes

Something in you,
It was electrifying and genuine.
Something in you
Ignited a part of me
So deeply hidden for so many days
So long I hadn’t known the part of myself
That you set on fire.
You woke up a place inside my chest
That had been sleeping
Hibernating from the hurt of past experiences,
Hiding from anything that could touch it.
In me, you created a spark
That could light up the world
And guide me to what I could never see
There was a piece of you
That latched on to me
And clings so tightly
Even when you are what I want to forget the most
That kiss it showed me the world I could have,
If I had just been awake.
Embers of what you created still stir under my skin
For that I can not thank you enough.
You lit a fire inside of me,
And then you set me free.