Dark Waters

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I’ve been spending time, trying to stay afloat

Refusing to drown in the murky waters you have left me in.

You filled the water to my chin,

watched me fight for my breath.

You let the paranoia of my own defeat set in,

pushed me to suffocate, rather than help me swim.

I continued to tread water, on and on

Too afraid to give up and too exhausted to move forward.

Without feeling, you watched

As I exerted all my energy into rising waters

You allowed me to drain myself completely of life,

determined to find solid ground.

Frantically, my arms flailed.

I never give up a fight.

I knew you got us here,

I knew you were the reason I was drowning.

Yet in one last desperate attempt to restore us to sanity,

in one last fleeting moment,

I gave you a final chance to redeem yourself –

To pull me up from the depths.

Ignoring my instincts,

I reached for you.

You took my hand, as my legs began to give out

and I felt hope once again.

Then you let the water rise, while looking in my eyes.

You watched me inhale,

before I sank slowly

Surrounded by the weight of your betrayal.

Only then, as the water filled my lungs, did I finally feel peace.

Only then, did I let go.

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Lost and Found

All my limbs can become trees:

It’s like being lost and becoming found,

all in one brief moment of stillness.

Having the world at your weathered fingertips

but clenching your fist instead

in the hopes of holding onto a feeling.

It’s when I breathe deep, and you

You are at the end of my breath.

Returning it to me, filling me up.

Extracting any air of emptiness

Consuming a void I didn’t know I’d had

Taking a trip to a place that only exists in an alternate universe,

where I am floating through time with no relativity

And you return to me, your breath.

Inflating my lungs

It’s a century, if just for a second

A world of questions answered in a mystery unsolved.

It’s a kiss

Strong enough to lose yourself in,

safe enough still

to have become found.

Pine Floors and Broken Doors

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Pine Floors and Broken Doors

who are you when the lights go down

and all thats left are the shadows of your thoughts

and the aftermath of sudden dreams

who are you when im not there to pretend for

and will you expose that when the sun comes out

and begs for you to dance among the earths hidden edges

where were you when the rain fell, through the leaves of pine trees

through the openings in clouds so dense,

they covered the skies, as you run for cover

inside a house that consumes all your fear,

yet hides you behind broken doors

what are you dreaming about when the night moves in

slowly, and demanding, asking you for all your sins

who are you when im not there,

asking you for more

when the sky grows bleak, and your heart trembles in your chest

who are you then?

what are your thoughts when your surroundings surround nothing

but yourself, and will you show me that, will you let me in?

because I’m standing at the door to all your secrets,

just wanting and wanting more,

but i wont knock for a chance to get in,

unless you’re absolutely sure

your nightmares wont scare me the way they have scared the ones before,

and i was hoping that you knew that

i was hoping you would explore,

the depths of us and the depths of your body’s purest core

because you are to me, a mystery

with dog-eared pages, and highlighted phrases,

in order to understand you more

so who are you when all thats left to know,

is the you that sleeps inside the nights new skies,

and leaves me at the door.

Here Goes Nothing

sunshine

“Here goes nothing,”

said the sun to the wind
As they danced within
The earths luminous sphere
And there you are,
And I am here
with your fingers wrapped around
The capillaries that fill with fear
If you only knew
That my sun and my wind
Are not afraid of dancing about,
with you near
But timid to find that wind doesn’t blow
And the sun doesn’t shine
without you here
My heart races
In a constant state of churning seas
And where I am, with you my dear
Is right where I wanted to be
So bring down the sun
And be my breeze
Because the earth doesn’t spin
When there are no nights like these
Breathe in deep,
And be my breeze
Because the sun doesn’t shine
When there are no days like these

Head Versus Heart

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Sometimes I wonder,
if your head can hear my heart
and if what separates us is nothing
but these miles and miles apart

If your logic could meet my emotion,
somewhere around that halfway mark
What would become of these intoxicating motions
If your fear and my ambition were not divided by oceans

Of nothing tangible for you to see,
But the oceans of differences
within you and me

For as much as we are just one and the same,
We are characters of our own being,
a part of our own game

So if stagnant turned to something,
more than just exists,
And if you took me back to that first unavoidable kiss

Would we move through the world,
like limbs through water
Or would that fire consume us,
and only get hotter

You are right and I am left,
Here tonight with an empty chest
In bed with my head and a mind full of dreams,
That your heart can hear my head
when nothing is as it seems

And you’re right but I am left,
Without a soul to blame
But my head and my heart,
Endlessly circling towards,
being one and the same.

Shampoo for the Soul

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Prompt #765. Describe in extreme detail a shower or bath. Talk about your process and make some connection between the cleansing and your life.

Here I am again, it’s raining. Inside, from a shower head. Made of plastic. Another modern invention for this modern world full of modern shit. And none of it really matters. We are back to square one, the water and I.

I come here to breathe, because it’s harder. I come here to think, because it’s quiet. I come here, because even in my bed I feel alone. But under the water, trickling down my thigh, rolling down my spine, I am experiencing solitude and not loneliness. I am experiencing warmth, I am coming clean. I am always so desperate, just to come clean.

jan 2015

One Big FML

My week, past two weeks really have just been one awkward fuck my life moment after the next.

But it kind of made me even happier because the more I thought about it the funnier it was.

Like how I’m poor so I drove to Salisbury to sell some old clothes and ended up just spending more money in gas.

Or how this Indian guy hacked my computer and I was like, why me? So i actually typed “why are you hacking me?” on my computer… and the hacker responded. Then there was that awkward moment where I encountered the last person I ever wanted to encounter while I was having a terrible day at work. And then I thought I was getting robbed for all I have, but it was actually just my drunk friends trying to kidnap me. Then, there was finding out I have a court date to testify against some perv-y creep and it just so happens its the second week after starting my new job. Not to mention I am officially becoming a low life and moving back in with my parents. Oh yeah and I realized that there is just no one who is going to be him.

But all of these unexpected things, they threw me off, they came out of nowhere, and some of them just downright pissed me off. To be honest though, I enjoyed it. It was nice to feel something again. It was nice to actually be overwhelmed and be like, you know what? It is fucking okay that I am a little overwhelmed.

I think the reason I get so stressed out is because I don’t let myself just get pissed off, and then get over it. I’m constantly like “okay you have got to be the bigger person, nothing phases you, there’s no reason for this to bother you.” Well… my life is nuts. It’s chaotic. And it always has been. I can be as “Namaste” as I like, but at the end of the day, this is it. This always has been it, and it’s never going to be easy and be butterflies and flowers because I would really fucking hate that.

I’d rather be busy than bored. I would rather be thriving and struggling and figuring it out and getting myself out of situations that are uncomfortable, and just rolling with the punches and working with what I’ve got than have it all figured it out.

Why would I ever want to figure it all out? Why would I ever want to feel comfortable?

Where the hell is the fun in that?

xoxo, Shel.