Dark Waters

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I’ve been spending time, trying to stay afloat

Refusing to drown in the murky waters you have left me in.

You filled the water to my chin,

watched me fight for my breath.

You let the paranoia of my own defeat set in,

pushed me to suffocate, rather than help me swim.

I continued to tread water, on and on

Too afraid to give up and too exhausted to move forward.

Without feeling, you watched

As I exerted all my energy into rising waters

You allowed me to drain myself completely of life,

determined to find solid ground.

Frantically, my arms flailed.

I never give up a fight.

I knew you got us here,

I knew you were the reason I was drowning.

Yet in one last desperate attempt to restore us to sanity,

in one last fleeting moment,

I gave you a final chance to redeem yourself –

To pull me up from the depths.

Ignoring my instincts,

I reached for you.

You took my hand, as my legs began to give out

and I felt hope once again.

Then you let the water rise, while looking in my eyes.

You watched me inhale,

before I sank slowly

Surrounded by the weight of your betrayal.

Only then, as the water filled my lungs, did I finally feel peace.

Only then, did I let go.

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The Edge of The World

Take me to the ocean floor
Crash over me
Take me where we’ve been before
Over and over again

Bring me to the edge of the world
Rain over me
Take me with my toes curled
Tell me it will never end

Captivate me, make me inspired
Come over me
Pull me into your deepest desires
Show me it’s not all pretend

Let me in and close the door
Lean into me
Whisper ‘we won’t hide anymore’
I gave you my heart to mend.

An Affliction for The Atlantic

the great big blue,
when everything else has changed and come full circle
there you are,
still the same after all these years
my reliable atlantic, my anchor
the streets around you have holes in the ground
the store fronts come and go
but there you are big blue,
to bring me back.
back to where it all started.
the immensity of it is calming
the vastness that continues to call to me
where the love held me
i played and laughed and cried in you
i fell under your power and gave way to the waves
in you i let myself lose control,
and i found it all again
my ground, my footing
even when it sunk slightly and sprinkled my ankles
this is where it all began
where i came when i had nowhere to go,
and i sat when the world wouldn’t stay the same
my calves flexed, my arms flew towards the sky
and i fell in love all over again
with the great big blue
that smile came back to me here,
created a sparkle in my still brown eyes
and it stayed there, the reflection of the atlantic
it is always there, in my eyes
light bounced along the ripples of your break,
and i knew that nowhere i went,
could take away the glimmer of the Atlantic in me
i am so small, i am so fragile.
anywhere else in the world it would make me feel powerless
but here it stills me,
gives me strength within my fingertips
holds me to my dreams that i can see were never lost.
they are all here in the ocean,
as will they always be.
they are all here in my reliable atlantic
it is everything to me.

The Breathing Game

I wrote this in August, after having experienced solitude and serenity for a few moments in my life. The trouble with solitude and serenity is that when you have those fleeting moments, at least for me, retrospection can intrude your thoughts. And in retrospect, I appreciated the peace much more knowing how turbulent the road was that had guided me there. Hope you like it.

The calm, it slides under me.
Liquid through my fingers,
and that sun
it shines down on me.
and the sea,
it’s okay with me.

Butterflies and bike rides,
florals in the air.
there is an aura about it,
foreign, but it is home.

for now, it is home.

the sea, here I am.
I’m back again
standing still and observing.
Inhaling. Slowly.
as if it were more of a process

as if breathing becomes more complicated,
when it’s slowed down.

and for now the sound,
that breath is home.

For now I am home.

If I close my eyes, and the world is still.
A wave crashes and my toes sink deeper into the sand,
and it is overwhelming – it’s simplicity.
the serenity of this home.

I will live here in this moment,
in this breath.
Because I can stay here,
and I am safe here, to let myself be.
To disassociate from the surface,
and get back into my head.
Now I am home,
when I am learning myself.
But not in my bed, not here.
Not in my bed.

And God why?
I yell out. And I am guilty. I am vain.
But I’m also sane. I’m getting back to sane.
And what a long road it’s been.

What an uncomfortable hike,
what a wonderful experience,
what an intense encounter,
what an insightful situation,

what a fucking mess it has been.