Dark Waters

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I’ve been spending time, trying to stay afloat

Refusing to drown in the murky waters you have left me in.

You filled the water to my chin,

watched me fight for my breath.

You let the paranoia of my own defeat set in,

pushed me to suffocate, rather than help me swim.

I continued to tread water, on and on

Too afraid to give up and too exhausted to move forward.

Without feeling, you watched

As I exerted all my energy into rising waters

You allowed me to drain myself completely of life,

determined to find solid ground.

Frantically, my arms flailed.

I never give up a fight.

I knew you got us here,

I knew you were the reason I was drowning.

Yet in one last desperate attempt to restore us to sanity,

in one last fleeting moment,

I gave you a final chance to redeem yourself –

To pull me up from the depths.

Ignoring my instincts,

I reached for you.

You took my hand, as my legs began to give out

and I felt hope once again.

Then you let the water rise, while looking in my eyes.

You watched me inhale,

before I sank slowly

Surrounded by the weight of your betrayal.

Only then, as the water filled my lungs, did I finally feel peace.

Only then, did I let go.

Being Okay

make a wish

I knew it would get better. I knew it had to get better, and the funny part about it this time is that I recognized it when it did. Not slowly, not in the midst of it all, but all at once.

All at once it was okay, and all at once it was great. And there were nights in between that weren’t and there were days in the middle that were not. But then all at once, it was there. That feeling that is not really a feeling at all, that feeling of pure “okay-ness” that is so okay it goes unnoticed. That simply because it is just so unmoving it gets no attention. But it should, we should pay more attention to being okay.

We should pay more attention to not fighting a breaking heart, to being tired at the end of a day because we worked so eagerly at something we loved, we should acknowledge the presence of a conversation that may not be intriguing, but it is good and kind and easy. We should, I should, not always give so much weight to the times that are un-okay and start thanking our lucky stars for the okay moments. The moments that do not need to be spectacular, that you do not want to be spell-binding, they may be more important than the big ones.

There is something special about something being so easy that it is not thought about. Looking back, these may be the exact moments that brought us long term happiness. Not something that is so outstanding it seems to make you euphoric for a short amount of time, but the little things that group together in your life to become a world that is good. A world of good feelings, a world of waking up in the morning with hope for the new day.

We should acknowledge being a bit frustrated with the way things are, because in that is the motivation to change it. It is not unhappiness, it is drive to make things better. It is strength to recognize that we are not at the end of our rope, that our okay-ness, our being, is possible.

But all of the sudden, when we are okay, it may not feel like much but it is a lot. It is a great thing to be okay. It is a great thing to be at peace with the way things are, and the way they will go, and the way you feel. And all at once, when you are least expecting it, it happens.

All at once, it happens.